


When Does it Become Enough?

by MaidofShade



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Akira Kurusu is Bad at Feelings, Akira Needs to Sort Through His Shit, Angst, Asexual Kitagawa Yusuke, Bisexual Akira Kurusu, Brief Ann/Akira, Fluff, Forgiveness, Good Boy Sakamoto Ryuji, Grieving, Hurt/Comfort, Lala Escargot is the Mom Friend we need when we gay panic, M/M, Makoto Niijima is a Lesbian, Mention of Haru/Ryuji, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Persona 5 Spoilers, Phantom Thieves - Freeform, Phantom Thieves group chat, Redemption, Redos, Ryuji Sakamoto is a Bro, Time Loop, persona 5 royal spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:00:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27569443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaidofShade/pseuds/MaidofShade
Summary: Akira is salty about Yaldabaoth using him as a pawn in his fucked up game. He's even more salty that the Prince Detective was his unwilling opponent. Goro Akechi could have been saved had the Phantom Thieves intervened. Wracked with overwhelming guilt, Akira does the unthinkable and goes back to the beginning to try and persuade Akechi to join the Phantom Thieves and change the course of the game....What would happen if Akira made a deal with Igor and went back to reattempt the game? What would happen if he went back and the events of Royal happened? This is my take on Akira going back and trying to convince Akechi to join them with a twist on events. So, in other words, MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira
Comments: 12
Kudos: 74





	1. Prelude -- In Which Akira Hurts a Dear Friend Because He is Dense

**Author's Note:**

> SO. I had this idea buzzing in my head for a while. Like, a long while. Akechi is my boy and I hate how he wasn't given any redemption. When Royal came out, you bet your sweet bippy I was hyped about having Akechi be a confidant. I am fusing the two games together because Akira completed his first timeline in the Persona 5 base game but it restarting his adventure in Persona 5 Royal.
> 
> Also, my beta reader is a wonderful human being who keeps me in check because I have no self control.
> 
> Enjoy!

The bell above the door rang out loudly in the dark café, it’s chiming felt more shrill like a banshee wail in the dead silent of the night in the sleepy neighborhood. Akira walked quietly into the dark space even though there was no one in the building during this late hour. Morgana was deep asleep in the bag slung over his shoulder clearly exhausted from the events of the fight with Shido’s shadow. The fight had been draining as was the escape from the sinking ship. The adrenaline had worn out and had exited Akira’s body long before he boarded the subway back home. The residual dregs of energy had granted him enough strength to enter his home and nothing more. Suddenly, he dropped to the floor in a heap, his body too sore and too exhausted to keep him upright.

They did it.

They had brought down Masayoshi Shido.

They brought him to justice.

Akechi would have been proud of them.

At the thought of the Prince Detective, his eyes began to burn. He knew that Futaba had said his reading had died but Akira refused to believe that. There was no way that Akechi would go down that easily and certainly not to his own cognition. The man was too smart and cunning for his own good. Opening his phone, he opened their chat and winced when he realized that they hadn’t spoken since before Akechi tricked them. With shaky fingers and bated breath, he began to rapidly send messages hoping that Akechi would answer them. He refused to believe that he was gone. He would not accept it that easily. If he knew anything about Goro Akechi, it was that the man was stubborn and would only accept things on his own terms, that included his death.

**Direct Message with Goro Akechi**

**Akira:** Goro.

 **Akira:** Please tell me that you’re there.

 **Akira:** Please.

 **Akira:** Please tell me that this is another ploy that you had hidden up your sleeve.

 **Akira:** Goro, please. Don’t be gone.

 **Akira:** Dammit, answer me!

 **Akira:** I refuse to believe that you left that easily.

 **Akira:** Please tell me that you’re hiding out somewhere and that you’ll be back when Shido confesses to his crimes.

 **Akira:** Please, Goro. I need you to be okay.

 **Akira:** Please.

 **Akira:** Please don’t leave me.

Akira rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands as he angrily typed his messages. They had stopped Shido, Akechi wasn’t allowed to be gone, not yet. They had so many things they still had to do. Seconds blurred into minutes and possibly into hours before Morgana roused from his slumber and peered up at a distraught Akira who clutched his phone.

“Joker?” He asked, head tilting as he gazed closer at the face of the human.

“He can’t be gone. He really can’t be gone.” Akira mumbled the words as he stared at his phone. 

“Joker..” Morgana wiggled out of the bag and settled onto Akira’s lap, rubbing his head against his chest. “We couldn’t save him...”

“If I had just been faster or even smarter, he would be here.” He choked out, phone falling from his fingers onto the floor. “I should have tried harder to convince him to stop fighting against us.”

“You didn’t know. None of us could predict that would have happened.” 

“That wasn’t supposed to happen. He was starting to trust us and then-” He took a shaky breath. “He had to die. Why did he have to die? Why him?” He screwed his eyes shut as he began to cry. “Akechi didn’t deserve it.” The words came out softly and quietly in the dark. “He wanted to change..”

“He saved us, Akira. He was the reason we were able to change Shido’s heart.”

“He should have been there to help us.” His body shook, arms came up to embrace Morgana. “He should have been there to serve justice against his father.” He buried his head in Morgana’s fur, hoping the inky black surface would somehow take away the grief.

“When have we ever gotten what we wanted, Akira?” Morgana said quietly, his ears pressed against his head. “Life is cruel and unjust sometimes.”

Akira continued to sit on the floor of Café Leblanc until his eyes grew tired and his body had become too exhausted to stay awake. His dreams were silent and lonely, much like he thought Akechi might have felt in his last moments. 

***

The citizens in Shibuya continued on with their day like some fake idol hadn’t tried to warp their reality and disrupt their way of life. Akira figured that they hadn’t remembered or hadn’t really cared. The past few hours felt like a lifetime and a half. It was hard to believe that it had happened and was not some sort of shared fevered dream between Akira and all the other Phantom Thieves. Akira heaved his bag further up his arm and frowned at how light it was. 

Morgana had disappeared along with the Metaverse. 

Without the personas swimming in his subconscious and without Morgana constantly chattering in his bag, Akira felt utterly alone. Even surrounded by swarms of people, he felt lonely and lost without the feline’s words.

With Sae’s words in his head, he went home and began to think of how he was going to break it to his friends that he would be leaving them if it meant he could protect them. He was their leader which meant he would take the fall for everything. None of them deserved the mark on their records. Akira already had a criminal record, what would be one more mark?

His phone beeped in his pocket, demanding his attention.

**Direct Message with Ann Takamaki**

**Ann:** hey, you’re not busy right now, are you?

 **Akira:** Not particularly, why?

 **Ann:** did you by chance want to spend Christmas together?

Akira worried his bottom lip with his teeth. Sae wanted him to turn himself in in the morning. If Ann spent the night with him he wouldn’t be able to get away from her. It would break her heart and that was the last thing he wanted.

 **Akira:** Do you think that’s a good idea?

 **Ann:** why wouldn’t it be?

 **Akira:** I thought you wanted to spend Christmas with Shiho.

 **Ann:** i was but her mom whisked her away to a family gathering

 **Ann:** which is a bummer

 **Ann:** but i’m glad she can see her family

 **Akira:** So I’m your back-up plan?

 **Ann:** hush you, you know i love you

 **Akira:** I love you, too.

 **Ann:** does that mean I get to come over?

 **Akira:** Sure, I’ll have some curry and coffee ready for us.

 **Ann:** if it’s not too much trouble… could i spend the night? it is Christmas after all…

 **Akira:** You sure that’s alright? I don’t want to push you or anything…

 **Ann:** i’m the one suggesting it, you goof

 **Akira:** Okay, if you insist. I want you to remember that I don’t expect anything tonight.

 **Ann:** babe

 **Ann:** i love you

 **Ann:** but you are such a gentleman

 **Akira:** Well, I am a gentleman thief.

 **Ann:** [ sure babe ](https://giphy.com/gifs/1AIeYgwnqeBUxh6juu)

**Akira:** You wound me.

 **Ann:** lies

 **Ann:** i only speak truths

 **Akira:** [ sure babe ](https://giphy.com/gifs/1AIeYgwnqeBUxh6juu)

**Ann:** hey! get your own memes!!!

 **Akira:** I am a thief. 

**Akira:** I stole it, therefore it is mine.

 **Ann:** goof

 **Akira:** Do you want curry or not? I’m almost home.

 **Ann:** yes! please!

 **Akira:** I’ll leave the door open for you.

After slipping his phone back into his bag he rested his hand on the doorknob to the café. He dug himself into this hole. Already without Morgana and his constant nagging, he had made a mess of things. He supposed karma was now catching up to him. He dragged his other hand down his face before he entered the café and went to work preparing the meal for him and Ann.

***

Eyes cracked open and adjusted to the barely lit room. After having Morgana wake him up at the same time almost everyday he figured his internal alarm clock would be in tune to that. Shifting his head, he read that it was still early, early enough that Ann would not be awake for at least another couple hours. Turning carefully onto his side, he smiled softly as he took in Ann’s features. Her hair was tied into a loose knot on her head and her make-up was stripped from her face, leaving it bare and fresh for the world to see.

He would miss seeing it.

This wasn’t the first night she had stayed over, but it would be the first she had done so with clear intent. The other times she had crashed were when study sessions ran late or when her home felt too empty. Akira welcomed her with open arms nonetheless. At first he let her have the bed and he would sleep on the couch but sooner or later he migrated next to her and soon they slept in a tangle of limbs.

Carefully he brushed back a strand of hair that fell across her forehead. She was beautiful and sweet in that moment. It was going to be hard to leave but he had to.

Slowly, he began to remove himself from her embrace. He chuckled to himself when he realized she was wearing his sleep shirt in place of her own because she claimed it was much comfier. He began to dress quietly and slowly so as to not disturb her.

Once he was dressed and ready to leave, he sat at his desk and drafted a letter. He figured this would be better than nothing. Ann would tell the rest of the thieves. Perhaps he was a coward but he didn’t want to be there to see their angry faces. He wouldn’t be able to carry this plan out if he had to face them. Knowing them, they would all want to turn themselves in if it meant that Akira didn’t have to face the consequences. He loved his friends but sometimes they didn’t know when to let him shoulder the burden.

_Ann,_

_I’m sorry. I am really sorry. You don’t know how sorry I am. I could spend hours telling you how sorry I am and it wouldn’t be enough._

_But this had to be done. Sae approached me in the square after the fight with Yaldabaoth. She needed someone to testify against Shido. I have to confess and explain my actions as the leader of the Phantom Thieves. I am carrying the full responsibility for everything that happened. There’s no other way. Please don’t try and sacrifice yourselves. I couldn’t handle another sacrifice on my conscience._

_I’m sorry, Ann. Really, I am._

_I swore I wanted to tell you before you agreed to come over but I couldn’t . I couldn’t do that to you. You deserve to be happy. I wanted to make you happy this one last time._

_Please tell everyone what happened._

_I don’t know when I’ll get out, if I’ll even get out before you forget about me or get frustrated with waiting. I wish I had answers for you but I’m going into this blind._

_I love you._

_And I’m sorry._

_I hope you can forgive me. I don’t expect you to but I really hope you do._

_Yours,_

_Akira Kurusu_

***

“This is your room.” The warden wasn’t warm or polite as he shoved the door open to the small room. Akira followed behind him with his small duffel bag of items, not that he had much to begin with. The warden said no other words to him before shutting the door on him.

The last couple of days had been such a fast blur of events, Akira wasn’t even sure they had happened. It felt like he could finally breathe and take the moment in as opposed to the constant movement and shuffling that Sae led him through. He supposed that there were a lot of steps and actions that had to be taken for Akira’s situation. He hated the way that she had mountains of what seemed to be paperwork and it frustrated him that he was of little to no help with any of it. He felt the most useless that he had in _months_. It aggravated him. Sae promised that she would be meeting with him every so often for his testimonials against Shido.

Akira walked into the room and realized that his cell in the Velvet Room was essentially the same size as the current one. A breathy chuckle escaped past his lips as he sat down on the bed. He honestly had no idea what he was imagining but he didn’t imagine this. It couldn’t possibly be that bad then. At least he wouldn’t have a roommate. Since Morgana’s departure he wasn’t sure he wanted someone else in his proximity. The solitude could be good for him. He told himself that if he survived being beaten black and blue by those scumbags when he was arrested that he could endure anything else.

The room was small and only barely furnished with his bed, a toilet/sink combination, small mirror attached to the wall, a bookshelf and desk with a chair. It was sparse but it felt like the first day he had arrived to Leblanc. There was an odd sense of familiarity that filled him. Perhaps it was because he envisioned himself a prisoner of fate or because he didn’t feel like he deserved as much as everyone said he did. Maybe this was fitting for someone like him,

Sitting on the mattress he stared at the wall, noticing the discolorations and marks from past inhabitants.

Would Akechi have been thrown into this kind of cell if he had confessed to his wrongdoings? Or would they have tried him as an adult? Would he try and make friends to make the process easier or would he avoid the other inmates? It was moments like this that he wished he could just talk to the detective.

_Akechi. I am still holding out the idea that you escaped and are hiding. It doesn’t matter if I ever see you again. I just want you to be safe. Please give me a sign that you are alive and safe. I want to play chess with you again._

Akira sighed and laid down on the thin mattress and threadbare blanket, hoping this nightmare would be over quick. Because if this were a nightmare, that means it was a dream and that he would wake up with an annoying long and philosophical text message from Akechi.

***

“You an idiot or sumthin’?” 

Akira didn’t look up from his tray of food to the figure in front of him. He was exhausted and frankly not in the mood to deal with another thug. The first couple of days consisted of people poking and prodding Akira to test him out but frankly he was sick of the treatment.

“I’m the biggest idiot in the whole facility in case you didn’t know.” He didn’t look up at all as he ate his food. Maybe if he just ignored the other boy, he would get bored and leave him to eat his bland food.

The past couple of weeks were a blur of getting used to the other inmates and Akira was not a fan of anyone there. Some were there for minor crimes while others were repeat offenders. Some were tolerable but that was far as that sentiment went.

“You think you slick, punk?” The guy sneered as he swiped the tray away from Akira and ate whatever food was left on it. Akira still held the spoon in his hand but let it clatter once the tray was removed. It’s not like he was really eating it anyways.

“The slickest.” He finally made eye contact with the punk. It was hard to look intimidating in his glasses and messy hair but he made do with his sarcasm and prickly exterior.

“Then ya gotta know that anyone who sits here has gots to give me their food.” The punk grinned, making a mess of the tray. Akira let his eyes flicker between the tray, the punk’s hand, and his face.

“Doesn’t look like you need it.” Akira raised an eyebrow as he watched the slightly overweight teen scarf down his meal.

“The fuck you say?”

“You heard me.” Akira glared him down, his jaw set rigidly. His fuse was starting to blow and he was done taking shit from all of these people. It was moments like these that he wished he were back in the Metaverse. He would love nothing more than to throw this punk into a wall.

Before the punk could land a hit on Akira, the messy haired teen grabbed the other by the collar and slammed him down onto the table. There was a groan of pain when the telltale crunch of a broken nose rang out. His fingers buzzed with the familiar adrenaline that coursed through him when he was in the Metaverse. For a moment he thought he could feel Arsène in the back of his mind, nudging him to fight back.

It made him feel alive.

The punk’s goons were shouting and calling attention to the fight that broke out. Akira hadn’t been able to get another hit in when the staff stepped in. By the time they did the other boy had a broken nose, bruises on his cheekbone and a cut on his lip. The sight made Akira grin like he did when defeating a shadow. The wardens quickly separated the two and carried Akira back to his cell by holding his arms away from him.

Once deposited in his room, Akira began to kick and punch the wall. The effects of the scuffle in the lunchroom still held his body captive as he struggled to release the pent up energy. The anger was too much for him to handle. It was starting to suffocate and crush him.

_Fuck you, Akechi. Fuck you for sacrificing yourself. Fuck you for being so stubborn to the bitter fucking end. Fuck you for being so fucking charming and warm. Fuck you for making it so easy to be your friend. Fuck you for making me worry about you. Fuck you for not escaping Shido’s ship._

Akira wasn’t sure when he started crying but soon the tears ran off his cheeks and onto the concrete floor. He rarely let himself become this angry. The only times he had gotten angry had been the kind where he was silent and gauged, enough to worry people and make them wary of his next step. There were only a few times in his life that he had gotten so angry that he cried. Once was when his parents took his kitten away when he had gotten a bad grade. The other time had been when he sat at the kitchen table after being arrested and when his parents had told him he was going to live with an acquaintance of theirs far away from them.

The only other time was now. The drops were fat and heavy as they fell onto the dry ground. His head rested against the cool concrete of the wall as the sobs erupted from his chest.

_Fuck you for dying._

The punches became weaker and weaker until finally he collapsed onto the floor in a sobbing mess. The only sounds in the cell were his sobs and gasps for breath.

***

Akira sat outside reading in the warm sun. After that night it felt his anger faded from him after metaphorically yelling at Akechi and bruising the shit out of his knuckles which were now treated and wrapped in gauze. Supposedly the punk who had tried to punch him stabbed another kid and was therefore removed from the facility meaning Akira could breathe a little easier now. The wardens still kept a close eye on him nonetheless.

Not that he blamed them.

He wasn’t prone to violence even after all the fighting he did in Mementos. His body operated automatically when he fought as if it was on autopilot. Looking back at their escapades he couldn’t believe the feats they had undergone. He knew he could vault over a wall that high or that he had the balance of a cat? Even if his friend’s didn’t believe him, before transferring to Shujin he was a horrible klutz.

Soon, small drops of rain began to rain down onto Akira. The drops of moisture were unexpected to the messy haired teen. Scowling he looked up and noticed the gray clouds that seemed to form right above him. It was shining only but a moment ago, or so he thought. Looking over to the clock on the outside wall he realized that it was much later than he intended to stay out.

Silently cursing to himself he retreated to his room under the supervision of a warden. Entering his room, he began to shake his book and attempt to dry the pages out. Some of the pages were clumping together and the cover was starting to tear from the spine. Sighing he tried in vain to get the pages to stop running and blurring the ink together.

This was his favorite book. It was a small novel on the intricacies of dreams and their perception in reality. He wasn’t too fond of the topic until the book was shoved into his hands by a pair of glove clad ones.

He should have remembered that it was going to rain. Frowning, he looked to the window where the water was rolling off the windows heavily as if washing the panes angrily.

If he had remembered then his favorite book wouldn’t have been ruined.

With a deep groan he flipped the front cover open and traced the name on the water stained paper.

_Akechi._

Akira set the book open on his desk to dry before sitting on his bed and staring at the floor. His own carelessness was the cause of the destruction of one of his most prized possessions. Sure, he could get another copy. But that wasn’t the point. If he had been smarter and had more hindsight he wouldn’t have made such a mistake.

He wouldn’t have ruined Akechi’s book.

_If only I had been able to convince you to join us. Would you have even let me try? Would you have joined us before you killed Okumura? Would you have killed Okumura anyways? I should have tried harder to convince you to not fight us that night on Shido’s ship. If only we had paid attention and realized that Shido’s cognition of you was going to waltz in we could have avoided them and maybe you would still be here._

When Akira checked the book, the name was already fading from the inside cover leaving behind the imprint of the pen used to write it. With the ink went away any physical trace that Akira had of the stubborn detective.

***

The meeting with his parents had gone just as well as he had hoped.

Meaning it was incredibly shitty, pointless, and disheartening. He should have fought Sae when she brought the topic up. It didn’t matter that his parents hadn’t seen their son in almost a year. 

He was just an inconvenience to them.

_“You are such a disgrace, Akira. How could you do this to your father and I? We raised you better than this.”_

_“You made your mother cry every night. She blames herself for raising such a delinquent.”_

_“I’m innocent! Guys, please!”_

_“You still butt into something that didn’t involve you. Stop trying to fix everything. You can’t help everyone, you selfish brat!”_

_“Mom...”_

_“You don’t get to call us your parents. We wash our hands of you.”_

_“Dad, please!”_

_“Let’s go, sweetheart. We don’t have any reason to stay here.”_

Akira knew his parents were disappointed in his assault charges. He knew that they hated that he was a criminal and brought shame to the name. They hadn’t changed their tune since almost a year ago. They didn’t even care that Sojiro raved about how helpful their son was or how great Akira had been doing at Shujin. They hated that their son had caused them so much grief and shame. They could barely face their neighbors or go out into the community because of the ridicule. They had told him that they didn’t want him to return home and that he could stay in Tokyo far away from them.

His heart broke at their words. 

The warden walked him quietly back to his room. The warden had listened to the conversation and wanted to offer soothing words but it seemed out of place. The teen in front of him resembled a statue that if anything were to chip his exterior he would crumble. Instead he led him to his room and shut the door once he entered.

Akira sat on his bed and curled himself into a tight ball. 

No one wanted him. He hadn’t so much as gotten any letters from his friends. Not that he was even surprised. They would be happier without him. They would realize he offered nothing to them but a shoulder to cry on. They would move on with their lives without him. Ryuji would find someone else to eat ramen with and lounge around the arcade with. Ann would find another boyfriend, probably one who wasn’t such a fuck up like he was. Yusuke would continue with his art and make a better life for himself. Makoto would focus on her studies and get into a top ranked university. Futaba would be able to break out of her shell without Akira there to constantly nag her. Haru would be able to focus on running her family’s company and go to school for business. They didn’t need him. He wasn’t necessary for his growth.

Sojiro hadn’t spoken to him in almost two weeks, when before he had called every day to check in on his pseudo son. Akira missed the gruff man’s words and his advice. He had taken the man for granted and he would do anything to see him again and tell him how much he viewed him as a father as opposed to his biological one. Sae was the only person he saw regularly and even she was beginning to get too busy to see him.

His head rested against his knees as the sobs racked his body. He was glad no one could hear how hurt and miserable he was in the moment, not that he really cared anyways.

_Is this how alone you felt at the end? Did you feel like no one would have cared about you? Was the pain this unbearable?_

A painful sob echoed through the room.

_Would you have been this upset if I had been the one to die? Would you have mourned me? Please tell me you would have been this upset at my loss._

Akira grabbed his hair and screamed as the tears washed over his cheeks. 

_Akechi, why did you have to die? Why did you have to leave me? You were so smart and you were so kind when you allowed yourself to be. I hated the fact that no one paid any mind when you weren’t around. I hated how little people cared about your absence. There was little to no coverage about the fact that you were gone. Maybe that was Shido’s fault or maybe you were right._

_No one cared about the lonely Prince Detective._

_I refuse to believe that no one loved or cared about you._

_I know I did._

_I can't believe I never got to tell you._

He continued to howl and hold himself tighter fearing that if he unwound his tangle of limbs he would fade away into nothing.

***

“You’ll be leaving tomorrow morning.” Sae said simply, leaning towards Akira from across the table. Her normally stoic face had a hint of a smile on her lips as she looked at the young man.

He blinked as the words rang through his ears. Perhaps he hadn’t heard her right. There was no way he was going home. Not that soon anyways. “I… get to go back to Leblanc?”

“Yes.”

There was a moment of silence as Akira stared at the prosecutor with an incredulous expression. “Why-”

“Your friends have been working around the clock. They gathered everyone who you touched and convinced them to speak on your behalf.” Sae smiled softly as she gathered the bundles of letters. They were busting from the twine she had wrapped around them to keep them together.

“C-can I?” He reached across the table, fingers lightly skimming the papers. There was no way there were those many letters from people coming to his defense.

“Go ahead.”

Akira looked through the letters noticing who they were all from. His teachers each wrote words about how good of a student Akira was and that he hadn’t ever acted out in class, was a model student, etc. There was a letter from the politician he worked with. The doctor in Yongen-Jaya wrote some words about how he helped her work on developing a medicine for a rare disease. And there were so many other letters from his other confidants.

“Your friends had spent all of their free time looking into people who saw that you were truly a good person and not the person that everyone made you to be. They even found the woman who had falsely accused you. With her testimonial you have been deemed innocent and no longer need to stay here.”

His head lifted slowly at those words. “I’m innocent?” he asked, the words felt foreign on his lips because it simply wasn’t the truth. He had done too many crimes to be considered innocent.

“You are. You have a clean record, Akira. Use it well.” Sae smiled, tapping the letters. “These letters helped prove that. There is no possible way that someone this influential and loved by many could commit a heinous crime.”

“I… I don’t know what to say.” He was stunned. It was unbelievable the amount of people he had helped. He had only helped them in the beginning for his own selfish gain but sooner or later he formed bonds with each of them. There was a while he doubted he had an impact on anyone because of his ulterior motives. Shinya’s letter made his smile when he saw the colorful ink and the stickers on the edges. He really did miss that kid.

“You don’t need to say anything. Pack your things. You leave soon.”

Sae had packed up her things and left after arranging for Akira’s departure from the juvenile center. In his room, he began to pack up his things and began to reflect on the months he had been in the room.

He had finally come to terms with his punishment. It was fitting that as soon as he had welcomed it, he would be whisked away from it. Just as he had accepted his role in life, it was suddenly ripped from him. Life had a funny way of working out that way.

_Akechi, I know you won’t be there to see me come home. I wish you were. But that’s alright. Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way you want it to. But what matters is that I forgive you for everything. You would have called me stupid or naive for that but you were forgiven as soon as you brought that wall on yourself. Even if you would never admit it, you had my best interests at heart. I just wish you would have forgiven yourself._

***

It was a whirlwind when Akira returned home. Home meaning Leblanc not his previous home in Inaba. His parents had effectively disowned him. Sojiro had told him that they were indeed serious about it and he had already filed the paperwork to adopt the young man.

Akira was flabbergasted by the action. Sure, he respected Sojiro and did regard him as a father figure but he didn’t think the sentiment went the other way. Futaba already regarded Akira as an older brother and he had taken the role with gusto since he was an only child.

When he entered Leblanc his friends gathered him in a tight hug and all clamored to tell him much he was missed which was followed shortly by scolding him for having such a martyr complex. He brushed all of it off easily until his eyes locked with Ann’s. There were so many things he wanted to tell her but the words died in his throat. Morgana had appeared and surprised everyone in the cafe, Sojiro included. After everyone was content with smothering the messy haired teen in affection, they all went their separate ways with promises to meet up again soon. Morgana went off with Futaba with promises to explain his absence and the details of his departure.

Akira laid in bed with his phone in hand as it offered the only source of light in the room.

**The Phantom Memes of Hearts**

**Gremlin Supreme:** all I’m saying is that if Akira had access to his bad ass personas then he could have stormed Area 51 on his own

 **Actually Kirby:** Milady had actual machine guns under her skirt!

 **Give me Your Bones:** harus got a point

 **Give me Your Bones:** remember when milady tore a hole through that wall in mementos?

 **Give me Your Bones:** captain kidd was scared for his life for about a week after that

 **Crepes are Life:** i think Johana or Morgana could have just driven through the fences

 **Biker Queen:** I doubt Johana would have been alright with the prospect. I’m sure it would also hurt.

 **Give me Your Bones:** guess we aint gonna find out now

 **Gremlin Supreme:** dammit why did we have to lose our personas

 **Gremlin Supreme:** necronomicon would have seated us all

 **Gremlin Supreme:** coulda had an alien best friend

 **Gremlin Supreme:** smh

 **Art is Pain:** Why would I smell your hands?

 **Give me Your Bones:** wut

 **Crepes are Life:** what

 **Biker Queen:** What?

 **Actually Kirby:** Oh my.

 **Meme Daddy:** That is not what that means, Yusuke.

 **Gremlin Supreme:** inari’s disregard for modern slang aside, my brother returns

 **Gremlin Supreme:** praise the flying spaghetti monster

 **Meme Daddy:** [ wazzup ](https://i.imgur.com/8h7VQfFh.jpg)

**Art is Pain:** Glad you have returned home, although I do not understand that image.

 **Meme Daddy:** It’s okay, Yusuke. We love you anyways.

 **Give me Your Bones:** glad youre back my dude

 **Meme Daddy:** Aw, you almost made me feel a hint of an emotion.

 **Actually Kirby:** We missed you, Akira! Self-deprecating humor and all!

 **Give me Your Bones:** oof

 **Crepes are Life:** mega oof

 **Art is Pain:** Spectacular oof.

 **Biker Queen:** Anyways, it is great to have you back Akira. You were dearly missed. We hope that the juvenile detention hall was not too harsh on you.

 **Meme Daddy:** Nah. Came out with a couple prison tattoos and one less kidney.

 **Meme Daddy:** But hey, I am here and that’s what counts, folks.

 **Actually Kirby:** Do you need a replacement kidney? I’m sure I could find one.

 **Give me Your Bones:** he was kiddin’

 **Give me Your Bones:** right kira?

 **Meme Daddy:** :)

 **Crepes are Life:** babe, please tell me you have both of your kidneys

 **Meme Daddy:** _:)))_

 **Gremlin Supreme:** [ bruh ](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EYd_pZhWkAYzV92.jpg:large)

**Meme Daddy:** I mean, what if I _did_ lose a kidney and had no idea?

 **Meme Daddy:** That would be unfortunate but pretty fucking hilarious.

 **Meme Daddy:** You would think that would leave a large scar.

 **Art is Pain:** Not necessarily. If the person cutting out your kidney was skilled at their job, the incision would be small and would have healed nicely, especially if stitched expertly.

 **Crepes are Life:** Yusuke, why do you know that?

 **Gremlin Supreme:** inari are you stealing people’s kidneys and selling them on the black market?

 **Art is Pain:** No.

 **Art is Pain:** But perhaps I should.

 **Art is Pain:** Paint is becoming more expensive.

 **Biker Queen:** Please do not steal people’s kidneys. That is highly illegal.

 **Meme Daddy:** And totally not feasible.

 **Actually Kirby:** Yusuke! Please let me take you to buy paints!

 **Art is Pain:** I couldn’t possibly burden you like that.

 **Actually Kirby:** It wouldn’t be a bother! Please? You are my friend.

 **Gremlin Supreme:** please let auntie Haru buy you art supplies so that you can eat

 **Biker Queen:** Yusuke, are you skipping meals for art supplies?

 **Art is Pain:** … No.

 **Gremlin Supreme:** HE LIES

 **Actually Kirby:** Please let me treat you to food and art supplies!

 **Meme Daddy:** Haru you are too good and pure for the world

 **Crepes are Life:** an actual cinnamon roll

 **Give me Your Bones:** an angel

 **Actually Kirby:** You are all so sweet! Apologies but I must head to bed for a meeting in the morning with the company! Goodnight, everyone!

 **Biker Queen:** I will turn in as well. Everyone should get some sleep. This is directed specifically towards Futaba, Ryuji, and Yusuke.

 **Art is Pain:** But my paintings.

 **Gremlin Supreme:** hah you got scolded

 **Give me Your Bones:** so did you

 **Gremlin Supreme:** details but I guess I can go comatose for a bit

 **Biker Queen:** Odd word choice but alright.

 **Meme Daddy:** You were so close to memeing, Makoto. So close.

 **Crepes are Life:** shoot! i got a photoshoot in the morning! night everyone!

 **Give me Your Bones:** ma is yellin at me to go to bed. night yall

 **Biker Queen:** You should follow suit Yusuke, don’t you think?

 **Art is Pain:** That doesn’t sound like a question.

 **Biker Queen:** It was not.

 **Art is Pain:** Understandable, have a good night.

 **Meme Daddy:** Yusuke. You did it. You memed. I am such a proud father.

 **Biker Queen:** Akira, go to sleep. Please.

 **Meme Daddy:** I could say the same about you.

 **Biker Queen:** I will once you are all offline.

 **Meme Daddy:** Fair. Alright, have a good night.

 **Biker Queen:** Akira?

 **Meme Daddy:** Yeah?

 **Biker Queen:** Welcome home.

 **Meme Daddy:** Thanks, Makoto. I’m glad to be home. Goodnight.

***

The days began to fly by as Akira readjusted to school life. There seemed to be a hollow feeling in his chest as he drifted through the day. He couldn’t necessarily put his finger on it but everything felt so incomplete and mundane but he wasn’t sure _how_. When he spoke to everyone else about his thoughts no one could relate except for Morgana because of the obvious.

These feelings made it hard to focus on the days and suddenly it was a few days before Valentine’s Day. He made plans with Ann for that night. Nothing too fancy but nothing too boring either. He would make them curry, brew coffee, and then they would watch a movie of their choosing. She was also going to spend the night. She made a slight joke that she hoped Akira would be there when she woke up. Ann hadn’t noticed the way Akira winced when she said those words. The guilt still weighed heavily on his mind.

“Spending the day with Ann, right?” Sojiro grinned as he wiped down the counter.

“Sojiro! Don’t talk about their love life like that. It’s creepy.” Futaba scrunched her nose from behind her game system.

“You’re just jealous that I have one.” Akira smirked. 

“No thanks. Sounds complicated and way too high level for me to even comprehend at this moment.” Her eyes never left the screen as she concentrated on the small screen.

“Makes it easier for me.” Sojiro shrugged. “Do you have everything for the curry?”

“Yes, you literally asked me that fifteen minutes ago. I think you’re going senile old man.”

“Easy calling me senile. I might leave everything in my will to Futaba if you keep this up.”

“Score! Suck it, Akira! I’m Sojiro’s favorite child.” Futaba stuck her tongue out at him.

“You were his only child until recently.” Akira rolled his eyes before going over to ruffle her hair playfully.

“You bicker like siblings.” Sojiro shook his head before collecting his coat and hat and motioning for Futaba to do the same. “Let’s go home, Futaba. Ann will be here soon.”

“Let’s blow this popsicle stand. I don’t wanna be here when they suck face.”

“We do not suck face, brat.”

“Fine. Playing tonsil hockey. Peace out.” She stood and left the café without giving Akira time to react to her words. While he was glad that Futaba had broken out of her shell, it only made her more insufferable. Once he got his bearings he began to prepare the ingredients for curry.

***

“Wow, Akira! This tastes amazing.” Ann beamed around a mouthful of sweet curry. She had arrived shortly after Sojiro and Futaba had left, none the wiser to the torment that Akira had endured from the gremlin child.

“I hoped you’d like it. I tried out a new recipe since I knew you weren’t a spice head.” He rubbed the back of his neck at her compliment. Even after all this time it was difficult to accept kind words from his friends, especially his girlfriend.

While she continued to stuff her face, and he meant this in the cutest way possible, he looked at her and tried to remember the morning he left her. Her hair was still that soft golden color, falling past her shoulders and framing her face. Her eyes were still that soft turquoise color, shining and radiant. Her words were still light and lovely and still made her chuckle but something was different now.

“Hey, Akira, you okay? You’re kind of spacing out on me.” Ann quirked an eyebrow at him, her spoon resting on the plate in front of her.

“Yeah. Sorry. Did you cut your hair?” He asked, reaching for his coffee so that he could preoccupy himself with something.

“Just a bit of a trim, didn’t think you would notice though.” She smiled brightly.

“Of course I notice.” He snorted. “I noticed when you used a different shade of lipgloss for a week.”

“To be fair, you could taste the difference. I doubt it was that hard.” She giggled before stretching her arms over her head. “But seriously, what’s up? You seem… different.”

“I mean, I did go to a juvenile hall for several weeks.” Akira let the words roll off of his tongue nonchalantly as if the topic was as simple as the weather or discussing their favorite snacks.

“What did they do to you in there?” She asked, a slight frown tugging on her lips. Akira had been tight-lipped about the events that had transpired even with all the prodding that Ann and Futaba had done.

“Nothing really.” He shrugged. “Just kind of read, did homework, did some manual labor. You know, all that fun jazz.”

“You sure something didn’t happen? You used to be a lot… I don’t know, animated or at least sociable.” She poked at a stray apple chunk on her plate, eyes peeking out from under her eyelashes. 

“Shit happened this past year.” Akira sighed and shook his head. “Let’s talk about this later.”

“When is later, Akira?” Ann furrowed her eyebrows. “You always push things off and then we never get back to them.”

“I forget.” He bit down his tongue and sipped his coffee.

“Bullshit. You could remember the train’s timetables for the week without missing a beat.” She huffed. “Why won’t you tell me? I’m your girlfriend. This is the kind of stuff you should be able to trust me with.”

“No, it’s really not.” He glared at her. His fingers were starting to shake and he tried his best to hide it by gripping the spoon in his hand harshly. “Drop it, Ann.”

“No! Enough is enough, tell me what is wrong so I can help you.” 

At that moment everything seemed to freeze in a moment of perfect stillness before the hurricane descended. His hands slammed down onto the table before his brain registered what he did. The plates clattered and their cups of coffee spilt over the edge of the table in a loud cacophony of porcelain yet his eyes did not leave Ann.

“How do you expect to help me? Do you understand how horrifying this past year was? You all think I’m this invincible guy like the protagonist of a popular anime. I’m not. Mementos freaked me the fuck out. Driving around on those tracks felt like driving through a damn nightmare. Have you really sat down and thought about how creepy and fucked up those shadows were? Don’t even get me started on when we accidentally ran into the Reaper. I had nightmares for a week straight because of that. Why do you think we didn’t go to the Metaverse for a few days back in May? I was so fucking scared that he would catch us again and that we wouldn’t be able to escape. I thanked every deity in the world when I found that Go-Hom in my pocket otherwise we could have died down there.” He took a shaky breath as his fingers clamped over the edge of the table. At that moment it felt like the table was the only thing keeping him from slipping. He couldn’t stop the tumble of words and thoughts that began to stumble out of him.

“Palaces literally put me on edge with every infiltration. Kamoshida’s palace made it feel like I couldn’t get his perviness off my skin no matter how much I tried to scrub it off at night. Seeing the volleyball players made me so scared and anxious for them. Why do you think we practically ran through it? I hated seeing the volleyball girls look like his personal sex slaves. All I could think of was you in the same situation and it pissed me off and scared the hell out of me.” His eyes shut as he tried to block out the nightmares and the anxiety that constantly filled him when Kamoshida was within six feet of Ann. He tried to block out how _angry_ he would become when Kamoshida was too friendly with any of the girls in the school. It bothered him that no one cared and no one wanted to do anything until it was too late.

“Madarame pissed me off because of the fact that he abused Yusuke and all of his other pupils. I can never forgive him for letting Yusuke’s mother die. You and I cannot understand the pain of losing your mother a young age and then having her death twisted and warped to fit a story. I was so scared that if we failed Yusuke was going to have to go back and sell his soul to the bastard. I couldn’t let that happen to my friend.” His eyes drifted over to _Sayuri_ , the painting that was painted by Yusuke’s late mother. He still couldn’t fathom why Yusuke would leave something so precious with Akira. It touched him that Yusuke trusted him that much but it still didn’t feel right to him.

“Kaneshiro was a piece of shit for extorting students and the whole of Shibuya. Do you understand how fucked up that is? Girls like you, Makoto, Haru, and especially Futaba were victims of that bastard's plans. I was so scared for Makoto. I heard what they did to the girls who couldn’t pay their dues. I was not about to let Makoto be sold as a sex slave. She’s so much better than that. I hated how we pulled her down with us when she was a good student. If anyone had found out she was one of us it would have ruined her.” The thought of what would have happened to Makoto made his skin crawl and his throat tense up. He would never have forgiven himself if that had happened to her. 

“Futaba’s palace gave me some of the worst nightmares, almost rivaling when we ran into the Reaper. Futaba’s mental state constantly worried me and I hated how she wouldn’t let me help her when she was clearly hurting. No one should have gone through what she did. Her uncle was a piece of shit for what he did to her. Her family was terrible and I am so glad that Sojiro is her dad instead. She will have to undergo so much therapy to work through everything she witnessed. She’s so young and now she has to deal with the trauma of what her family put her through.” His eyes focused on the spilt food but he couldn’t bring himself to clean the mess up. At least not yet. 

“I still feel so guilty about what happened in Okumura’s palace. I feel so guilty about everything that happened there. We got too ahead of ourselves and we hurt our friend because of it. I know Haru forgave us, forgave me but I don’t feel like I deserve it. She placed her trust in us even though she did not know us very well and then the worst possible thing happened. I know it wasn’t our fault but we could have changed things had we just stayed a little longer.”

Ann pressed herself against the seat and watched him with wide eyes. They all knew that Akira was hiding a lot of stuff and keeping a lot of things to himself but she didn’t expect it to be this much. She doubted she could form any words due to her state of shock.

“Facing Yaldabaoth and then losing you all was the worst feeling in the world. I felt so fucking alone and helpless.” His words stuck in his throat as the tears rolled down his cheek. “To be told I was a pawn in a game and that my actions would determine the outcome for the world was the most anxiety inducing and terrifying thing to hear. The pressure was enough to eat me alive for more than several lifetimes. I never asked to be a part of their fucked up game. I never asked to be a Wild Card. I never asked to be thrown into his fucked up turn of events. I never asked to be pitted against Akechi. I never asked to watch him die and leave him behind.” The words died as he hung his head and began to cry.

The tears fell heavily onto his lap as he let his feelings and frustrations pour out of him. It had been a long time since he had let loose this much. Not even in the juvenile hall did he cry this much or this intensely. It felt like a levy had broken open and there was nothing he could do to halt the sensation except to let it happen. When he lifted his eyes, Ann watched him with an unreadable expression.

“Akechi killed people, Akira.”

“He didn’t want to, Ann. He really didn’t want to. You know that. Shido forced him to carry out his own selfish agenda.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his wrist.

“Akechi tried to kill you.” Her words were sharp but light like her whip.

“Shido pressured him to do it.”

“He tried to off you and you are defending him!”

“He was a victim of shitty adults just like we all were.” His gaze turned hard as he glared at her. “His actions are not inexcusable but if he had survived then Shido would have confessed that he was behind all of the murders.”

“Akira, listen to yourself!” Ann pleaded, her own eyes becoming glossy, fists shaking at her sides under the table.

“Akechi could have been saved! We could have saved him if I had just noticed sooner.”

“He was too far gone at that point. We couldn’t help him.”

“You don’t know that. He didn’t deserve to die. Not like that. Not as alone as he was.” He choked the words out.

Ann didn’t say anything for an uncomfortably long time. They held their gazes, neither of them saying a word. The tension in the air was thick as they stared the other down.

Ann was the first to speak. Her words were quiet and measured but on the verge of breaking. “Would you have been this upset if I had been in Akechi’s shoes?”

Akira said nothing. He wasn’t even sure what to say. What could he even say to her that wouldn’t either upset or anger her? All he did was stare at the woman across from him and realize that he wasn’t in love with her anymore. It was hard to say when his feelings had shifted but looking at her he only loved her as a friend. Perhaps he only loved her as a friend and had been fooling himself to not think about the person he harbored feelings for.

“Akechi was special to you, wasn’t he?”


	2. Bargaining -- In Which Akira Comes to Terms with his Feelings and Makes a Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I can't believe how many kudos and hits I've gotten for the first chapter! It really made my day seeing how many people have checked this story out. As a heads up, this is going to be a long building story in which I try and explore parts of the game that weren't mentioned/fleshed out otherwise.
> 
> That being said, buckle up folks, we're going on an adventure!
> 
> Enjoy the story everyone!

His silence and hesitation spoke volumes after the words were spoken. Akira chose to stare at the grains of the table, eyes cast down. The answer hung heavily in the air even if no words were spoken. He wasn’t sure when Ann left or if she had done so quietly or loudly. Hell, she could have chewed him out or thrown something at him but he doubted he would have felt or heard it. The only reason he knew she was gone was when the bell above the door rang somberly, breaking him out of his trance. Akira didn’t move a muscle for a long while. He was frozen in his spot as he processed what had just happened.

His girlfriend of the past seven months just broke up with him.

Or at least that’s what he assumed had happened.

Instead of feeling angry or sad, Akira felt an odd sense of calm. He felt lighter, like he could breathe. The truth set him free at the price of hurting his best friend.

Did he actually love her or had he attached himself to her because she was so warm and radiant in a time when everything was so gray and hopeless? He did love Ann, he really did but when he tried to think of her romantically it made him squirm and wince like the idea made him uncomfortable. How had he convinced himself that he loved her when it was so obvious that he really didn’t? Did Ann feel the same way or had their relationship been one sided the entire time? Was Ann relieved that she wasn’t tied to some so jaded as him?

Slowly he began to pick up the dishes that were littered on the floor. The plates were smashed and laying mixed with chunks from the curry all over the floor of the restaurant. His hands still stung from how hard he had hit the table, it was no wonder that all the dishes that were on the table made it onto the floor in broken pieces. Crouching down he began to work his way through the mess to pick out the pieces of porcelain and throw them away. Thankfully they were at the end of their meal meaning that the plates were mainly empty. Once the plates were thrown away and the food picked up he began to methodically clean the kitchen and wipe the counters before mopping the floor. No one but Sojiro knew this but Akira really liked cleaning, in fact it helped him wind down after a stressful day. Many days Akira would enter the kitchen of Leblanc to wash dishes after a stressful infiltration. When that happened Sojiro knew better than to ask and let the boy scrub the pots and pans.

Now he was alone to mull over the events that had unfolded. As he lay in bed, he found himself staring up at the ceiling as he recalled his realization as to why Ann stormed from his home.

He was in love with Goro Akechi.

He was in love with the Prince Detective. 

He was in love with the black mask.

He was in love with the boy who pointed a gun to his head and shot him without hesitation.

Why did it have to be him? Why couldn’t it have been Ann? Or even Ryuji? Yusuke was too pretty and focused on art to even be an option. Makoto and Futaba reminded him too much of sister figures and Haru needed someone more reliable. Why did it have to be Goro fucking Akechi? Why did it have to be the one boy he should not have had any business talking to and laughing with, making stupid jokes, playing chess games, making special brews of coffee for? Why him? 

Akira groaned and pulled his hair before yelling. He sustained that yell for a few seemingly long moments before he hiccupped. 

Why did it have to be him? When did it even happen? Did it start when he met the detective? Sure, he thought he was cute, in an asshole-ish way that kind of worked for him. But that was his image, everyone thought that, right? Was it when Akechi dropped by the café to drink coffee and probe Akira about his various thoughts on philosophies and ideologies? Was it when Akechi stopped him at the train in the mornings to complain about something mundane like they were childhood friends? Was it during their chess matches where they locked eyes more often than on the board? Was it when Akechi had joined their team in Sae’s palace and fit in so well it was hard to imagine a time he wasn’t fighting alongside them? Was it when he drove around Mementos with them, riding in the passenger seat up front with Akira and talking about the mythological allegories of the shadows? Was it when Akechi had betrayed them but instead of blaming the detective, Akira instead wanted to help him?

Small tears formed in his eyes as he stared up at the ceiling. The air was cool enough to make it bearable to burrow under his covers.

He could have saved Akechi if he had known earlier. He could have made Akechi see that they were after the same goal. Maybe Akechi had a palace? What would have happened if they had infiltrated it? What would it have looked like? Morgana did say that those with Personas normally didn’t develop palaces but Akechi’s desires were strong, especially with Loki. Would Akechi even have fought alongside with them or would he have turned himself in?

He took a shaky breath as a few tears rolled down his cheeks onto the pillow under his head. Akira couldn’t be bothered to wipe them from his face even though they were tickling him.

Did Akechi even feel the same? He had to have. With all the time he spent with Akira. With all the late night text conversations and phone calls that didn’t end when they fell asleep. With all the subtitles touches on the shoulder and his knee as they sat next to each other in the Monabus. With his words of encouragement. With his genuine smile. With his heartfelt actions. With his final words. Akechi could say he was a great actor all he wanted but he couldn’t fake that. He couldn’t fake the way he blushed or the kind things he did. 

Would things have been different if Akechi had been there to help them with Yaldabaoth? Would he have a transformed Persona like Akira? Would he have been as upset as Akira was when he learned that this entire thing was a game that was fixed so that neither would have won in the first place? Would he have joined forces with Akira to shoot Yaldabaoth in the face?

Akira breathed in deeply, filling his lungs with more than enough air before he surrendered himself to restless but much needed sleep.

***

“How’s it feel to go home soon?”

Akira looked up from the video game for a moment to glance at Ryuji from the corner of his eye. It was a lazy Sunday morning in the loft above Café Leblanc. Business was slow, leaving only the sounds of Sojiro softly moving around downstairs and the aroma of coffee drifting upstairs. 

“Shitty, if we’re being honest.” He replied with a sigh, cracking his neck to release some of the tension that came from sitting hunched over in his chair when playing video games. He didn’t need to hunch but it was a hard habit to break. “Not too excited to go back to bum-fuck nowhere. At least it's only for a day so I can collect my stuff to move here permanently.”

“I still remember when you got lost in Shibuya tryin’ to find the arcade.” Ryuji grinned, a sucker hanging from his lips. 

“Shut up. The streets are big and there are a shit ton of people everywhere.” He pressed the buttons a little harder on the controller as he spoke. He knew Ryuji was just haggling him but he was self-conscious about that fact, even to this day. “My hometown’s shopping district only has like twelve stores and they’re all on the same road.”

“I think you're just makin’ excuses, man.” He stretched his arms over his head and yawned before scratching his chin. It was a tell-tale sign that Ryuji was figuring out how to say something to his friend but was trying to find the right words. He often was the one to lay into Akira if something was wrong. No one else really had the gall to do it -- besides Makoto who feared no one. The air was thick with tension and it was making it hard to concentrate on the game in front of him. Akira was in tune to his best friend and his slight nuances. The shift in his mood was subtle, but Akira knew where he was heading. “Talked to Ann?”

Akira glanced at him, a brief flash of embarrassment crossing his face. It wasn’t a secret what had happened. Both of them had been inactive on the Phantom Thieves chat. They didn’t interact at school, which was difficult since Akira sat _behind_ her. Everyone knew something was up with the pair but no one wanted to poke at the two of them. Of course Ryuji would know. The two blonds were like two sides of a coin. Out of all of the Phantom Thieves they had the most history between them. They spilled everything to each other, making it hard to hide things from them. “No. Not since Valentine’s Day.”

He heard a soft meow before a small cat jumped onto the table in front of the T.V. Morgana stared at Akira for a second before he groomed his paw. “It’s not fair of you to avoid Lady Ann. She has a right to know why you are ignoring her.”

“He’s got a point. Can’t keep ghosting her. I’m surprised she hasn’t shown up or gotten Futaba on your ass.” Futaba had voiced her _loud_ displeasure over how Akira was acting but she wasn’t willing to step in. It was too complicated for her to mitigate. While Akira was glad that his pseudo sister had backed off, he was kind of annoyed that she chose this situation to not interfere.

“It’s kind of mutual. I don’t want to talk to her and she doesn’t want to talk to me.”

Ryuji and Morgana shared a look before focusing their attention on Akira. Their leader was known for beating around the bush and offering vague and unhelpful answers so long that he could avoid the question. “Dude, what’dja do?” Ryuji asked, eyes narrowed only slightly. 

“Nothing. She confronted me on something I thought was bullshit.” The words came out harsh and tight as his grip tightened on the controller. Morgana arched his back in worry, hair standing on end, prepared for if Akira was going to lose his cool. Once he realized that he was getting upset he loosened his grip and spoke softly. “She pushed me to talk about something I wasn’t ready to talk about.”

“It was about Akechi, wasn’t it?” Morgana stated the fact as his tail flicked lazily. The name made him wince slightly, cracking his otherwise cool exterior. Morgana narrowed his eyes, successful that he had guessed right.

“Yeah, it was. She got upset that I’m this torn up about Akechi being gone.” His fingers picked at a loose thread on his shirt. He didn’t like bringing up his feelings. It felt _wrong_ to unload his troubles onto other people when he was the one the reliable friend for others. Hell, he had just done that to Ann and he still felt incredibly shitty about it. No way was he going to subject Ryuji to that too.

“You guys were kinda close. Not sure I get it, though.” Ryuji shrugged, leaning back in his chair as he thought. His nose scrunched up as he chose his next words. “Why are you this bummed out?”

“Because-” 

“Because our fearless leader fell for the enemy.” Morgana said ruefully, ears dropping against his skull as his tail curled around him.

“For real? Akechi? Pancake-loving, double-crossing, mullet haircut, fake Prince Detective Akechi?” His eyes almost popped out of his head as he stared at Akira.

Akira rolled his eyes. “He did not have a mullet.” 

“Dude, it was a mullet. Anyways, why Akechi?”

“Do you think I know? It just _happened._ I don’t know when, but it did.” He groaned and sunk deeper into his chair. This was why he didn’t want to say anything. He didn’t like the judgement. He hated having to justify what he already knew was a strange notion. “Maybe since the beginning? We spent so much time together it just...” He trailed off, voice growing quiet as he curled in on himself.

“He tried to shoot you, dude!” Ryuji exclaimed, arms going up in the air. “He lied to us and framed you. He killed Haru’s dad!”

“I know!” The words came out as a hiss as he threw the remote of the controller down, the crash of the plastic ricocheting against the wood sounded loudly in the loft.

 _Don’t get angry. Ryuji doesn’t deserve it._

“I know. Look. It’s… complicated...” He sighed. “I didn’t know it was happening until Shido’s palace where he… you know.. I wouldn’t have hurt Ann like that if I realized that sooner.”

If he had noticed that his feelings were shifting he would have ended things with Ann before it had gotten serious. Ann was his best friend and he didn’t want to hurt her like he had. If he had known about his budding feelings for the detective he wouldn’t have pursued anything with her. But hindsight, ironically, was not his strong suit, no matter what his friends thought otherwise.

“I mean, you guys were always hanging out.” Ryuji picked up the controller and inspected it. “You guys were practically attached at the hip.”

“Yeah and maybe it was because of how much time we spent together. It’s hard not to feel something after spending so much time with someone...” 

“I know dude.” Ryuji played with the stick of his sucker as he thought his best friend’s words over. He knew the feeling all too well. There was a certain fluffy haired team member that he had gotten close to but he was too much of a coward to tell her how he felt.

“You should tell her.” Akira gave his best friend a pointed look. “I sure she-”

“Nah. She’s got enough to deal with. She don’t need my shit too.” Ryuji shrugged, it was the truth but he hated it. “Besides, we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about pretty boy.”

“So you think he’s pretty too?” Akira smirked, his mood brightening.

“Joker, you’re getting off topic.” Morgana rolled his eyes and stretched as he watched the two.

“Kinda, in a like general sorta way. Anyways, back to our point.” Ryuji leaned forward in his chair, his posture engaged and serious.

“What’s your point, exactly?” 

“Didn’t think you were into dudes.” Ryuji raised an eyebrow.

He didn’t think this was how he was going to come out. It’s not like he was hiding anything. No one really asked and he was going to talk about it willingly. It was a sensitive topic for himself. While he knew that the group was tolerable -- Makoto revealing that she liked girls, Yusuke admitting that he wasn't all too jazzed about the topic of sex, and Futaba stating that relationships freaked her out -- there was a still a small part of him that was wary of what his friends would say.

“No one really asked.”

“Dude, why would we? That’s personal. Don’t you trust us?” A look of hurt flashed across his face.

“It should have been obvious.” Morgana interjected as he cleaned his paw.

“How?”

“When Yusuke first joined, Joker heavily flirted with him.”

Ryuji looked to Akira who had his attention on a particular spot on the floor, his gaze unmoving but his cheeks burning.

“I thought ‘Kira was bein’ friendly cuz of how shitty Madarame was.”

“Nope. Goes to show you how oblivious you are.” Morgana chuckled.

“Dude-”

“I’m bisexual. Meaning I’m attracted to every pretty girl I see and apparently guys who try to kill me with a gun after framing me for murder.” Akira deadpanned, his gaze finally finding Ryuji’s.

“You know I don’t care right? Not my business who you’re bonkin’.”

“Thanks, I guess?” Akira knew that his best friend would accept him but it was still weird to have it out in the open.

“We’re still just talking about Akechi, though right?” 

“”Ryuji, you moron. Of course he means Akechi.” Morgana whacked his nose with his paw. 

“Just making sure! We don’t know what ‘Kira does at night!”

Akira shook his head and let those two continue to battle it out. It would be a while until they settled down. The longest streak they had was about two hours and 15 minutes. It had been about whether muffins or cupcakes were the same thing and what the difference was. Taking his phone out, he mindlessly scrolled on various social media apps while he listened to them. Their antics made the weight in his chest lift slightly.

***

The night was winding down far too quickly as it usually did when he worked at the Crossroads Bar. It became one of his favorite part time jobs right off the bat. Sojiro voiced his concerns but soon relinquished when he saw how happy Akira was at the end of every shift. The name of the bar always brought a smile to his face because of the sheer irony of it considering this was where he met with Ohya to trade information. It may or may not have been the first place he also had a glass of wine but no one besides Morgana knew that.

Lala had been easy on him that night perhaps because she knew that he was having a hard day or because she wanted him to relax for once in his life. 

“Kid, take a break. You’re moping.” She set a glass of soda next to his head, making sure it was far enough away so that he wouldn’t knock it onto the floor.

Akira’s tone was a little more forced than he wanted it to be. “I am not moping.”

“You’ve been wiping the same spot on the counter for the last fifteen minutes. Either you’re determined to get that stain out or something’s bothering you.” The woman raised a painted eyebrow at him, pointing at a stool and taking the rag from him as she leaned on the bar. 

Akira stood his ground, posture mirroring that of his boss. They held their stares before she sighed and turned back to count the tender in the register. 

“You can tell me anything you know?”

Akira mulled her words over in his brain like he was rolling marbles in a wooden box. While he trusted and loved his friends, they simply didn’t have the world experience that Lala had. It wasn’t fair that Akira knew so many intimate details about Lala and Ohya while they knew little to nothing about him. Lala had brought up a great point a long while ago.

_‘You can’t pour from an empty cup.’_

“Look, Ohya and I know about your escapades. If it’s something that deals with that then let it out and we’ll never speak about it again.” She shrugged and lit up a cigarette. The smoke wafted over and wisped around Akira.

“I know, Lala. I know. It’s just...” he worried his bottom lip in thought. “It’s complicated.”

“Clarify it then.” 

“Fine.” Clutching the countertop with both hands as his eyes shut and he let out a harsh sigh. “I just realized that and I hurt my girlfriend -- ex girlfriend I think now -- because I’m in love with someone else and I realized that I might have never loved her that way. Instead I’m - I think I’m in love, or was in love, no, definitely in love with my would-be-almost murderer.”

“What do you-”

“I told my best friend that I’m bisexual and it’s stupid to think he would judge me about it but I was still so scared.” He said the jumble of words quickly, quickly enough that he didn’t know if he actually said the words or not. He collapsed onto the stool, burying his head under his arms as he sat, hoping that he could get his breath back.

Akira knew where his preferences had lied for years, long before he knew the label for it. Whether or not other people knew was a whole other issue. He already knew his parents didn’t approve, considering they alienated his aunt who lived with her girlfriend. Though he had been too young to understand why it happened at the time. But when he grew into his teens, he began to understand why his favorite aunt had to move away. He blamed her for it when he was young but now, as a young adult with an acute sense of the world, he understood and forgave her. Now his anger turned to his family, to his small town that left no room for things other than those that were traditional. 

There was always this crushing panic that someone would find out, would tell his parents. He was careful not to linger too close to the other boys, to not stare for too long in the locker rooms. The fear kept him from doing what he enjoyed, kept him from the things he really wanted to do with his time. His mother had all but berated him when he displayed interest in the cooking club. His parents weren’t willing to dish out money for piano lessons even when his music teacher had praised him. He hadn’t been allowed to do either thing because of the stigma associated with them. 

So instead, he did things he knew his parents would approve of. He joined the baseball team and a dojo to practice aikido to appease his father. He went out with multiple girls and experimented enough that the boys in his class wouldn’t question him. All with the hopes that no one would suspect a thing. 

But now Ryuji and Morgana knew. While the rational part of his mind knew they wouldn’t tell anyone, the anxiety bubbled in his chest. Not that it mattered, his parents already disowned him. He wasn’t going back to Inaba anytime soon. He should have felt relief but instead he felt anything but.

And while these thoughts swirled inside him, Lala didn’t say anything for an uncomfortably long time; only taking long drags of her cigarette. The only noises were her puffing out the smoke and the never silent alleys of Shinjuku. 

Eventually, Akira’s eye cracked open to see why his boss and friend hadn’t said anything. The silence was beginning to be too much for his nerves. A silence, that was thankfully ended when l Lala tapped her cigarette on the edge of the ashtray. 

“That’s rough kid.”

A strained but hollow laugh escaped him. “That’s the understatement of the year.” He sighed, leaning forward to rest his head on the cool surface.

“So, let’s break this down.” She pushed the glass of soda next to his head, making sure it was far enough away so that he wouldn’t knock it onto the floor.

“How?” He turned his head to rest his cheek on the surface as he looked at her.

“First. You almost died?” Lala frowned at him, her painted lips pulling on her face.

“Well, yeah. Akechi was supposed to assassinate me but we duped him. But that’s not important.”

“I beg to differ but go on I guess.”

“Even though I knew he was going to betray me, I still fell for him and this is the first time I admitted it… Or wanted to work through it.” Sure, he confided in Ryuji but as much as he adored his friend, he wasn’t the best when it came to sorting out feelings.

“Who else knows?” She took another drag.

“Ryuji, my cat and Ann…” He trails off, a sour taste in his mouth. “Though I think I fucked that up...”

“So your girlfriend knows?” Her brows raised into her hairline as she took the words in. “How did that go?” She puffed on the cigarette once more.

“She got upset with me because she knows I love him.” He sighed as he realized how shitty and selfish of a person he was. “But I didn’t want to hurt her like that.

“Is it because you don’t love her anymore?”

The question hung in the air along with the smoke from her cigarette. It was heavy and suffocating and Akira had no idea to respond to it. 

Akira knew he didn’t love her anymore, at least not in the same way he had thought. Until recently, his thoughts on love were that there was the only way, one type and nothing else. He adored Ann with every fiber of his being but he didn’t _love_ her. Not the way she deserved. Not the way he could offer. For months he had deluded them both, though maybe he was at one point; but those feelings had changed and he couldn’t pinpoint when or how it happened. 

Why did love have to be so messy? So disorganized? Why couldn’t it all be the same shape? Why did there have to be so many layers? No one told him how confusing and complex the idea of love was. Though now he felt stupid for not discerning the difference between the types. He loved each of the Phantom Thieves but even he knew that was platonic. The love between them all was very concise with no room for misinterpretation.

With Ann though, it was different. Maybe it was because she was one of his first friends. Maybe it was because of how sad she looked, how desperately he wanted to help her. To kick Kamoshida’s teeth in. Maybe it was because she didn’t expect anything from Akira like his classmates did. Maybe it was because of how beautiful and funny she was without trying.

Maybe it was a thousand different other reasons. 

All Akira knew is that he hurt his best friend that he adored but he was coming to terms that his love for her had changed _._

“I do love her but...”

“It’s complicated.” The woman completed the thought for him.

“Yeah, complicated. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s my best friend. I do love her, but what I felt with Akechi was different. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s eating me up inside because Ann is hurting. I’ve been ignoring her but I don’t know what to do.”

Lala pursed her lips as she listened to the young man. Her gaze trailed off for a moment before she fixed it back onto Akira, a far away expression in her eyes.

“It’s not a crime to love multiple people, Akira. It’s a crime when you try and love them the exact same way and lie to yourself about it.”

Akira frowned and stood up, grabbing for the soda that had been long forgotten. “I don’t follow.”

Lala sighed and snubbed her cigarette in the ashtray. “Love comes in many different ways. You love your parents differently than you love your friends and your partners. You can love someone as strongly as you want but sometimes that love doesn’t transfer over.”

“So, you think I didn’t love Ann as much as I thought I did?”

“I think you were trying to convince yourself you loved her as much as you claimed to.”

“Why do you say that?”

“You talked about her as a friend, almost like a sister. Where as Akechi, I know more about him than your girlfriend.” She raised an eyebrow. “ I could probably paint a portrait of him and I’ve never met him before. Whereas with Ann, all I know about her is that she is blonde, a woman, and loves sweets.”

He played with his cup, mulling over Lala’s words. Seeing the boy, Lala let out a heavy sigh. Lala had been there for him since he walked into the bar and hadn’t immediately made snap judgements of him based on his background. Akira grew to trust her slowly until soon he was telling her about everything and anything when he needed to vent and she sat there and listened to him with the occasion sprinkling of advice. Unlike other people in his life, she didn’t expect him to shoulder her burdens and be her verbal punching bag. It was a refreshing relationship as opposed to the others in his life.

“Kid. Most of your shifts you complained about how smart he thought he was, his stupid but soft looking haircut, and why he needed to wear black gloves everywhere.”

He groaned into his cup, utterly defeated. “I get it, Lala. I was pining hard for the Prince Detective.”

She doesn’t say anything, offering a small smile as Akira took a moment to consider everything.

“Do you think he had a mullet?”

“From what I remember about what you said about it, yes.”

“I have no friends.” Akira said gloomily before sipping his drink. “I thought it looked good on him.”

“You definitely love him then.” She chuckled, grabbing a rag to wipe down the rest of the counter. 

“Why do you say that?”

“No one looks good in a mullet, Akira.”

***

Sleep was restless and futile that night.

It had taken him hours to finally relent and allow his body to rest even though his mind was more preoccupied with its newfound realization. Lala had helped ease his anxiety a little but there were still too many thoughts banging around in his skull.

The sounds of chains and soft music spooked Akira out of his sleep. Thinking it a bad dream or perhaps his brain trying to trick him, he turned and huffed until he felt the heavy chain around his foot. Opening his eyes, he quickly clambered to the jail cell door and held the bars. The Velvet room was back and he was able to visit once more. There was still hope yet.

“You seem perplexed yet joyful.” Igor smiled, his foot tapping lazily in the air.

“I… I didn’t think I could come back.” Akira breathed out, his heart racing at the exhilaration of being in the Velvet room once more.

“We wanted to see how you were fairing.” Lavenza appeared from Igor’s side with a small smile on her face. “You seem to be facing a lot of inner turmoil as of late.”

Akira winced at the statement but did not deny her words. “Is that why I was summoned?”

“In a way but my master had other words to share with you.” The girl smiled, gesturing to Igor.

“I applaud your success in this rigged game. Not many would have been able to triumph as you had. Although all odds were stacked against you, you were able to defeat Yaldabaoth and halt his scheme.”

His breath hitched in his throat at the sudden realization. The game was stacked against him. He wasn’t even supposed to win in the first place. Did that mean that they could have both won? “Wait. Igor. The game was rigged from the beginning, right?”

“Yes? Why is that of importance, Trickster?”

“Would I be able to go back and rig the rigged game?”

“I do not seem to understand.” Igor said simply, almost frowning.

“I want to attempt the game one more time. I want to save Akechi.” His fingers gripped the bars of his cell.

“He was ruin and you were rehabilitation. Only one was supposed to win.” Igor said with an air of finality. 

“Who says that is how it’s supposed to be? The world needs a balance! Akechi wasn’t fully bad like I’m not fully good. We both did some shitty things and some pretty great things. I wasn’t white and he wasn’t black. Both of us were grey.” The words were spilling out of him faster than he could process them. “What even is the point of having the two if you favor one over the other? They need each other. I may have been the idea of rehabilitation but I definitely ruined some things that were better left alone. Akechi could have been rehabilitated too if he was given the chance. He didn’t ruin everything he came in contact with.”

_Especially me._

“What are you saying, Trickster?”

“I want to go back and attempt the game and persuade Akechi to join the Phantom Thieves. I want to save him and make sure he can bring his father to justice the proper way he should have.”

“That will be quite the feat.” The young looking child spoke softly, her words sounding much wiser than she seemed. “Something that has not been attempted in years.”

He looked to Lavenza with a determined gaze. “So it can be done?”

“It can. But we do not allow all of our guests to tamper with their reality. Especially ones that seem reckless.” Igor crossed his hands below his head in deep contemplation as he remembered a set of twins who held the same determination in their gazes. They, like Akira, had been given one chance but in the end they both sacrificed themselves even after knowing what would have happened. 

“Because you saved the world from a false idol, you are bestowed one attempt. By restarting the game you will forfeit your current present and future. It is not something to be taken lightly.”

“But, I can do it, can’t I? You are giving me permission.” Akira didn’t care. Not at this point. Even if he had an _inkling_ of a chance, he was going to take it.

Igor and Lavenza both looked at each other and then at Akira. Lavenza spoke up, clutching the book to her chest. “We will allow you this once because the game was not truly fair or just. It was not fair what Yaldabaoth did. It would not have mattered who won because he rigged the outcome. But know this.” She seemed to grow beyond her years as she stared Akira down. “The new game you make for yourself will be finite and cannot be exchanged. There are certain fixed points that cannot be changed. I am not at liberty to tell you these points in time but I know you will recognize them. By agreeing to this new contract, you agree that all of your actions are your own and that you accept your new reality.” A piece of paper appeared in her hands as she approached Akira. “Think this through.”

Akira didn’t need to think. He knew what he needed to do. Without another thought he signed his name and returned the paper to Lavenza.

“I hope to see you emerge victorious in your venture, Trickster.” Igor grinned, a soft chuckle rumbling behind his lips. Akira felt a massive headache begin to form in his skull, almost like he was reawakening to Arsène. Before he knew what was happening, the world went dark and everything went silent.

.

.

.

_...You are held captive. A prisoner of fate to a future that has been sealed in advance._

.

.

.

_This game is truly unjust. Your chances of winning are almost none._

.

.

.

_But if my voice is reaching you, there may yet be a possibility open to you…_

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you all think! Follow me on Tumblr at confused-novelist.


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